Author Archives: queef and dave

(Important) Note to Self..

Acid on a Tuesday is NEVER a good idea.

ESPECIALLY if you end up sleeping with your friend on it.

Stay out of trouble girl!

Airplane Masturbation Tips

  1. Enter the flight hangover. Even better if you’re still a bit drunk. If not, drink up on those white wine (or champagne)
  2. Wear something comfy that allows you to put your feet up. I recommend a comfy flying track pants where you can easily slip your fingers in.
  3. Get a window seat! You want to be able to look out of the window as you cum.
  4. Recline your seat, get your knees up and cover yourself with the blanket.
  5. Make sure you have a verbally exciting jerking off video from on of your fuck boys. Put your headphones on and play that video on repeat.
  6. Enjoy! 😉

Note to self

Sex is NOT always necessary.

A fun random night should be remembered as a fun random night and not a night that ended with sub par meh sex.

Think twice next time!

Serious question..

Why do guys seem to wanna fuck me but don’t seem to wanna make me their girlfriend?

Is there something wrong with single guys these days? Or in my effort to avoid a relationship (for now) have I been acting too much like a ho?

Dear Fuck Boys*..

Do you really think you can just call or text me whenever you feel horny?

Just so you know, I am NOT a sex hotline you can reach anytime to help you jerk off.

If this is continuing I’m gonna open an official hotline and start charging. Fees starting at $2 / minute or $0.10 / text. And a surcharge of $50 when you cum. With this rate imma gonna be rich! 😎


*The 3 dudes I’ve had flings with from 3 different time zones that happened to call me at the same day for three separate jerking off moments (waking up, coming home drunk, midnight before sleeping)




Dear Tinder dudes with only good first photo..

Seriously, just drop photo #2, #3 and #4.

Cause you’re chance of a right swipe went from “hmm.. maybe” on your first photo to “hell no!” just as I reached the second photo. 

And oh, don’t get me started on the remaining ones.

Ok Sir…

There must be something wrong with you when EVERY SINGLE ONE of your Instagram photos is a photo of your face.

Yes, I get it you are hot. But, this narcissism is a bit much.